Free Introductory Class: “Cultivating Humility”

Along with my teaching partner Marla Estes of Building Bridgers, I'll be offering a free introductory course next week on the topic of humility, and how moving from absolute certainty to "I'm not sure" helps to promote psychological growth and improves interpersonal relationships. When I recently described the aims and methods of this class to my writer's group, one my fellow writers told me she liked the concept but had a problem with the word humility. Many people who struggle with low self-worth, she said, might hear this word and unconsciously worry that cultivating humility would damage their fragile self-esteem and deepen feelings of shame. This response surprised me, though as I’ve thought it over, I understand my friend’s concerns.

Humility sounds very close to the word humiliation, and in fact they both derive from the same Latin root for the word humble, which in English has meanings both positive and negative. A humble person (marked by humility) is modest, neither arrogant nor prideful, and characterized by simplicity or a lack of pretentiousness. This sounds like a positive personal trait, and indeed in Christian theology, humility is one of the central virtues. But to humble someone also means to hurt their pride or cause them to feel shame – that is, to humiliate them. Sometimes the wish to humiliate is driven by envy but may also arise from a belief that the other person is not who she pretends to be.

 

Shame for the Person You Used to Be

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W.R. Bion, a British psychoanalyst who worked with psychotic and schizophrenic patients, identified a difficult transition point in their treatment. As psychotic process gradually gave way to the reality principle -- that is, as his clients became more sane -- they would have to confront the pain of how ill they had been before. This involved facing guilt for the hurt inflicted upon other people around them and shame for the destructive ways they had behaved. Sometimes the guilt and shame were so unbearable that his clients would retreat into psychosis.

I've encountered a similar challenge in my long-term work with borderline clients. There comes a time when they realize how ill they've been and sometimes the shame they feel is unbearable. They will retreat for a time to borderline ways of relating, where relationships and self-image are highly unstable, shifting between ideals and devaluation. It takes many months and even years before they can learn to bear the shame for the person they used to be; only then can they move on and continue growing. I actually think that anyone with a serious mental illness who spends years in therapy and changes dramatically must deal with the same issue.

 

 

Continue "Shame for the Person You Used to Be"

Snow White at the Dwarf Colony

Now that the release of The Narcissist You Know is behind me, I've turned my attention back to fiction. I'm pleased to announce the release of a new work on the Kindle platform, a novella-length retelling of Snow White in the same psychological vein as my earlier Cinderella. Both novellas explore the themes I write about here on my website as well as in both of my non-fiction books: shame, narcissism, envy, the failure of empathy, etc. They're both meant to be enjoyed primarily as works of fiction but they also go deeply into the felt experience of characters who struggle with those issues. I think fiction can often be more instructive than the most insightful work of non-fiction.

U.K. Edition of The Narcissist You Know

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For readers in the United Kingdom and continental Europe who can't purchase the Touchstone edition of The Narcissist You Know, I've brought out a different version under my New Rise Press imprint. This edition, identical to the one released by Pan Macmillan in Australia, can be purchased via Amazon.co.uk by clicking on the links below. As always, Amazon reviews are greatly appreciated.

Print-on-Demand Edition

Kindle Edition