What I Mean When I Use the Word Shame

Joseph Burgoin
Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage
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Shame/Narcissism
110

I'm just about ready to deliver a draft of my book on defenses to the other members of my writer's group; as part of the final revisions, I've been attempting to clarify my ideas about shame as they're so central to the work I do; the text below is adapted from a chapter about defenses against shame and reflects my efforts to sharpen these ideas.

Although I can't print her name, I'd like express my thanks and acknowledge my debt for all the help I received from one of my long-term clients, a gifted therapist herself and a women who cares as passionately about this subject as I do. She pointed out some holes and inconsistencies in prior posts and helped me clarify what we both believe to be crucial ideas. Thanks, S.

Of all the painful emotions humans must bear, a core sense of shame is the most excruciating, the most difficult to bear. My views on shame and its origins likely differ from how you normally think about it; before describing the most common defenses against shame, let me clarify these views with a brief detour into neurobiology and early infantile development.

Upon birth, we human beings are intensely vulnerable and reliant upon our mothers and fathers to help us grow. The course of our development depends upon how they respond to our physical and emotional needs, and we enter this world with a set of in-built expectations for what those responses ought to be. Winnicott referred to this genetic inheritance as a “blueprint for normality.” When our parents respond appropriately, in keeping with that blueprint, it feels natural, right and good, instilling us with a sense of safety in our world and of our own intrinsic beauty. This experience forms the core of self-esteem.

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‘Hard’ and ‘Soft’ as Character Traits

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
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Shame/Narcissism
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The Psychotherapy Relationship
43

I haven't written a post in two weeks -- unusual for me -- because during that period, I have felt almost overwhelmed by the events in my life, mostly enjoyable and of great meaning to me: my oldest son's 21st birthday, my middle child's high school graduation, my daughter's promotion from middle school, two flights (one to Chicago, one to Los Angeles), followed by the drive cross-country to Colorado, where I will continue to work throughout the summer. My fatigue levels have been made worse by some poor choices I've made along the way, and I've watched myself "hardening up" in response. Now that I've recovered a bit, I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about the importance of choice "after psychotherapy," and what can happen when you don't respect your limitations.

At the beginning of May, I had set as a goal for myself to complete a rough draft of my book on defense mechanisms before leaving for Colorado; that way, I reasoned, I would have an entire month to review and revise it at leisure, before my summer break. I really wanted to achieve that goal. At the same time, I wanted to keep up with this blog as well as the one on PsychCentral, and especially to continue practicing piano. I can become very cranky if I have to forgo my practice; I normally get up at 5 a.m. in order to make sure that I have uninterrupted time alone, so piano doesn't impinge on work and family life. Even before May became truly hectic, I knew it was unlikely that I'd be able to accomplish everything I had set out for myself. I probably should have accepted that piano would have to take a back seat if I were going to finish my book.

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Contempt as a Defense (Mine)

Joseph Burgoin
Shame/Narcissism
144

Last week, I decided to withdraw from my contract with New Harbinger for the publication of my book on defense mechanisms. If you've read my earlier post where I discussed what this book deal meant to me, you'll understand this was a very difficult and painful decision. The editorial committee had been enthusiastic about the first four chapters I sent them, offering useful suggestions that helped me improve the flow and clarify my message. When I received their comments for the next batch, it didn't take long for me to realize that I couldn't make the changes they were asking for. They wanted me to refocus the book, eliminate the broader social perspective and turn it into a self-help book like the other titles they publish. I have declined to do so and will return the small advance I received.

Watching myself react to their comments, I could see my familiar old defense mechanisms at work. I thought it might be useful to describe that experience. One of the points I often stress on this website, about what it means to be "after psychotherapy," is that your old issues and ways of coping with them (your defenses) don't disappear; you learn to recognize them as they come up, hopefully "disarm" them and find different ways of responding. So here's a faithful (and somewhat embarrassing) account of my process. Be nice.

My first reaction on reading their comments was indignation of the narcissistic variety. How dare they not recognize the brilliance of these chapters?! What set me off was their letter's opening: "These chapters substantially miss the mark." One of the rules in my writer's group is that you always begin your response to a reading with praise, by identifying what works and what you like about it first, hopefully defusing any automatic defensive reactions to the critique that follows. It was the way the first letter from New Harbinger had begun, in response to the early part of my book: "These chapters are very strong." I readily accepted their first set of suggestions but grew indignant in response to the second.

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Anders Breivik, You and Me: What We Have in Common

Joseph Burgoin
Shame/Narcissism
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Social Behavior
51

When an anti-Islamic loner explodes a bomb outside a government building, killing eight people, then travels to a nearby island where he guns down 69 more, we naturally view that man as a dangerous lunatic. His paranoid tirades against multi-culturalism and "Eurabia", along with his grandiose view of himself as crusading member of the fictional Knights Templar, make him seem delusional and psychotic -- someone entirely "other" and so unlike ourselves that he might as well belong to a different species. We would never do anything so cruel and violent, of course, and we find it virtually impossible to identify or empathize with this man in any way.

And yet, Anders Breivik is a member of the human race, just as we are. His emotional states and thought processes in fact differ only in degree and intensity from some of our own. I invite you to join me in an exploration of this troubled man's psychology -- not in order to create sympathy for him, not to blame society or violent online gaming platforms for his actions, not to argue on behalf of clemency from the court, but rather to learn something about ourselves and to make "insanity" seem a little less strange and "other". For what it's worth, my personal view is that Anders Breivik is so psychically damaged, so emotionally troubled that he will remain a danger to society while alive and should be permanently isolated to eliminate the possibility of his doing more violence.

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Shame Trading

Joseph Burgoin
Shame/Narcissism
30

In a very early post on this site, I described people who view the world in terms of winners and losers, where one person will shore up his own self-image by triumphing over someone else, usually by demonstrating that he's more successful, better-looking, wealthier, more popular, etc. Feelings of contempt for the "loser" usually go along with such triumph. These dynamics also lie at the heart of different kinds of narcissistic behavior.

As I've discussed in many of my posts, the core narcissistic defense involves flight from unconscious feelings of profound shame about oneself -- how dysfunction in your family of origin has damaged you -- into an idealized false self meant to disprove all that damage. At the same time, the narcissist will project his damage into someone else, who then "carries" it for her. By triumphing over the other person, the narcissist "proves" that he has successfully rid himself of all that unwanted shame; humiliating the "loser" confirms his idealized self-image.

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