Free Introductory Class: “Cultivating Humility”

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
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Relationship Issues
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Shame/Narcissism
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Society and Culture

Along with my teaching partner Marla Estes of Building Bridgers, I'll be offering a free introductory course next week on the topic of humility, and how moving from absolute certainty to "I'm not sure" helps to promote psychological growth and improves interpersonal relationships. When I recently described the aims and methods of this class to my writer's group, one my fellow writers told me she liked the concept but had a problem with the word humility. Many people who struggle with low self-worth, she said, might hear this word and unconsciously worry that cultivating humility would damage their fragile self-esteem and deepen feelings of shame. This response surprised me, though as I’ve thought it over, I understand my friend’s concerns.

Humility sounds very close to the word humiliation, and in fact they both derive from the same Latin root for the word humble, which in English has meanings both positive and negative. A humble person (marked by humility) is modest, neither arrogant nor prideful, and characterized by simplicity or a lack of pretentiousness. This sounds like a positive personal trait, and indeed in Christian theology, humility is one of the central virtues. But to humble someone also means to hurt their pride or cause them to feel shame – that is, to humiliate them. Sometimes the wish to humiliate is driven by envy but may also arise from a belief that the other person is not who she pretends to be.

 

My Idea of Friendship

Joseph Burgoin
Relationship Issues
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Social Behavior
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The Psychotherapy Relationship
73

FriendshipOne day many years ago, my friend Ann told me she had scheduled an appointment with a surgeon to discuss whether to undergo a hip replacement. She and her doctor would be evaluating the results of x-rays and a recent MRI. As a candidate for this type of surgery, Ann was young, in her late 30s, but she was in more-or-less constant pain as a result of a car accident many years earlier when her hip joint had been shattered. She walked with a limp. When she told me about the upcoming appointment, Ann seemed quite apprehensive. I knew she was preoccupied with her decision, whether or not to go under the knife.

I fixed the date of Ann’s appointment in my memory and recalled it from time to time as the day approached. Throughout the day itself, I kept her in mind then called that evening to find out the results. She had decided to have the surgery, she told me. We talked at length about what the surgeon had said, the nature of the operation, and how much relief she could expect. A few days later, she left a message on my answering machine: “Know who else called to ask about my surgery? No one.” Besides family members, not one of her other friends had reached out to her. She seemed grateful that I had kept her in mind.

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Codependency Issues in Marriage

Joseph Burgoin
Relationship Issues
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The Psychotherapy Relationship
37

Twins I received an email earlier this week from a married friend of mine who always signs off, "With love from Natalie and Jeff." Jeff has never sent me an email nor, as far as I can tell, does Natalie consult with him in advance about what she plans to write. Despite its inclusive closing, the email came from Natalie alone. I was reminded of a couple I knew back in Los Angeles, Tom and Molly, who shared a single email address: tomolly@whatever.com. It was a clever play on the word tamale, of course; but even then, in the early days of email, I wondered why they didn't have separate addresses. Marriage involves the formation of a new joint identity, but for some married people (and for some unmarried couples, too), this new combined identity overshadows and often eclipses a separate sense of self for its members.

"I now pronounce you husbandwife."

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Outgrowing Your Parents

Joseph Burgoin
Relationship Issues
61

During a recent session, Becca (mid-20s) was describing a typical argument with her mother. She and her mom have a close but combative relationship; in their fights, Becca often feels frustrated at her mom's immaturity. Becca's parents have been divorced for many years and her mother has drifted from one low-level job to another, never fulfilling her early potential, largely because of impulsive or ill-considered choices that involved taking the easy way out. Since therapy began, Becca has worked hard to overcome similar tendencies in her own character and has done remarkably well in a difficult career.

Becca's mother often gives unwanted advice that Becca finds irritating. "Look at what she's done with her own life," she told me in session. "Who is she to give me advice about how to run mine?"

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The Difference Between Anger and Hatred

Joseph Burgoin
Love and Hatred
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Relationship Issues
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Society and Culture
69

In preparation for my appearance later today on Sandy Weiner's BlogTalkRadio program Courageous Conversations, I've been thinking about anger and hatred. Sandy and I will be discussing how to cope with the eruption of hatred in our intimate relationships and I needed to clarify how hatred differs from anger.

We can distinguish between anger and hatred in two ways: intensity and duration. It helps to think of them as occurring along a spectrum. Anger might be triggered when a loved one does something that frustrates us. It tends to come and go and doesn't crowd out all our other feelings for that person. We can often voice it in ways that aren't hurtful. Hatred lasts longer and is more pervasive. It tends to overwhelm us and obscure everything else we might feel. It makes us want to take action, to hurt or destroy whatever inspires the hatred.

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