The Shame-Based Divorce

In an early post about winners and losers, I discussed how underlying feelings of shame often lie behind hyper-competitive and triumphant behavior. One of the less obvious ways this shows up is in relationships and marriage. Some people -- usually those who tend to display other kinds of narcissistic behavior, as well -- link up with partners because they believe such a bond will make them ideal. Just as some men and women want to be admired for their looks, or how much money they have or the size of their house, others want to be envied for their relationship. They look to an ideal marriage to cure underlying shame and to disprove how they feel about themselves. If I'm married to X and we have this amazing marriage, then I can;t be a total loser.

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Of Puppies and Parenting

Meet Alice, the latest addition to our family.  We picked her up from the breeder when she was only eight weeks and now she's almost three months old.  After Maddy died (see my post about grief and the grieving process), we decided not to get another dog until the fall; but some members of the family found the grief and loss so painful that we began looking around for a new pet earlier than planned.  A couple of rescue dogs fell through, then we found an ad for a litter of white labs from a breeder two hours away; five days later, we were driving home with little Alice.

The experience of having another small creature to take care of -- the joys as well as the sacrifice involved -- has taken me back to those times when my kids were very small.  In particular, it has reminded me of the sleep deprivation:  for the first several weeks, Alice was waking up a 4:30 a.m.  I'm an early riser but that hour is extreme, even for me.  Though she sleeps later now, the early morning demands have cut into my personal time and I've been feeling a tad resentful.   Taking on Alice has by and large meant giving up hiking this summer, because you can't leave a puppy alone for too long.  I think she's adorable but I would rather have waited until the fall to get another dog.  I'm tired a lot of the time, trying hard not to to be too grouchy, struggling to make peace with this personal sacrifice for the family good.

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Pride and the Healing of Shame

Because I write and think so much about the psychology of shame and its toxic effects, I'm often asked about overcoming shame, to explain how one "recovers" from shame, or whether I have any guidance about "healing shame."  My answers in the past have felt inadequate to me, but a recent session with a long-term client helped me bring my thoughts on this issue into focus.

Stan, a middle-aged married man, has struggled with unbearable shame for most of his life and has relied on the typical defenses against shame described in earlier posts.  In particular, he relies on blaming as his primary mode of defense.  For example, he often rants in silence against his wife whenever they have a disagreement:  he'll mentally complain about her behavior with a sense of grievance, blaming her for the argument.
This has been a life-long pattern in his relationships.  Behind his defensiveness, he has suffered from the sense that he's emotionally damaged in some fundamental way.

During the economic downturn, Stan suffered some reverses in his business that have placed a great strain on his family, largely shifting the financial burden of supporting them onto his wife's shoulders for the time being.  She hasn't criticized him for what has happened nor complained about the weighty responsibility she now must carry.  She recognizes that the economic downturn wasn't his fault but Stan nonetheless feels humiliated and defensive.  It taps into a lifelong feeling that he is damaged and ineffectual.

Recently, Stan has remarked on his wife's increasing moodiness.  Even the smallest things seem to set her off; when they re-connect at the end of their work day, she instantly launches into an account of all the things that irritate her about her job.  She strikes him as angry.  Because he feels ashamed about his limited inability to contribute financially, he tries to be as supportive as possible but finds these "bitch sessions" increasingly difficult to bear.

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Relationship Advice You Won’t Find Elsewhere on the Internet

There's a great deal of worthy, common-sense relationships advice to be found on the Internet.  Most sites repeat the same familiar truths and give similar relationships advice -- about the need for realistic expectations, about how soon to have sex, making room for personal differences once the initial euphoria begins to fade, or about how to recover from an affair, keep the romance alive, etc.  Most of this relationships advice tends to be practical; some of it is silly or manipulative.  Almost none of it suggests that your own psychological issues may lie at the root of persistent and recurrent conflicts in your relationships.

So here, in the form of a post that's almost entirely about "finding your own way," are my three personal, idiosyncratic and only slightly tongue-in-cheek bits of relationships advice for how to improve emotional rapport with your significant other.

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Emotional Dependency and Stealth Control

In my psychotherapy practice, I've had a number of clients who suffered from emotional dependency issues:  in their personal relationships, they often seemed helpless and extremely needy.  I'm sure you've known such people.  They may appear clingy and possessive; they often get involved with someone very strong and competent, a Rock of Gibralter type.  In extreme cases, the relationship consists almost entirely of one person taking care of the other.  Incapacitating depressions may be frequent or continuous, to such an extent that the emotionally dependent person may be unable to hold down a job or function as an independent adult, so completely reliant on the other person that at times he or she seems infantile.

As clients, such individuals quickly become dependent on treatment for support.  Even if they're coming for more than one session per week, the gap between those sessions will feel too long; they may make frequent "emergency" calls on weekends or in the middle of the night.  If a therapist isn't careful, such clients can become extremely taxing and emotionally draining.  We may feel intense pressure to provide emotional relief; if we're not empathic or supportive enough, these clients may become intensely angry with us.  In some cases, it actually feels like a relief when they quit in a rage and seek treatment elsewhere.

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