Compassion, Altruism and the True Spirit of Generosity

Joseph Burgoin
Relationship Issues
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Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage
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Society and Culture
39

I have an ongoing debate with my oldest son about pure altruism and whether it actually exists.  He believes that nobody ever acts in a purely selfless way; part of the motivation for altruistic behavior, he argues, is to feel good about oneself as a person.  If you get some reward from the supposedly altruistic act then it can't be purely selfless.

I go back and forth on my position.  "You haven't had children yet," I once told him.  "If I had to choose between us, I'd die for you."  This was a cheap and sentimental argument, trying to use my supposedly self-sacrificial feelings as his father to win the debate.  He would have none of it. "That's just because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself otherwise."  While that isn't the only reason, of course not, it is definitely a large part of it.  This question isn't finally settled in my mind but I think my son is winning the debate. With the Christmas holiday approaching -- "the season of giving" -- I've been thinking about compassion and self-sacrifice, and what motivates people to engage in apparently altruistic behavior.

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‘Avatar’, Toxic Shame and Avoidance of Authentic Relationships

Joseph Burgoin
Relationship Issues
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Shame/Narcissism
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Society and Culture
28

At the opening of the movie Avatar, Jake Sully has suffered a severe spinal chord injury that leaves him a paraplegic.  No longer able to perform as a combat marine, and because the military won't pay for an operation to restore the use of his legs -- that is, to return him to his former self -- Jake volunteers for a specialized military mission to the planet Pandora.  Through the miracle of medical technology, he learns to psychically link with and inhabit an "avatar" or alternative physical self on that planet.  In contrast to his paraplegic self, this avatar is healthy, fit and stands ten feet tall, with enormous physical prowess and sensory capabilities beyond those of humans. Embodying this avatar allows Jake not only to regain the functions he lost but also to surpass his human potential.  His experience on Pandora ultimately proves to be more real, more meaningful to him than his actual life; at the movie's end, he finds a way to transcend his human physical damage and move permanently to the realm of his superior Na'vi self.

This story perfectly embodies a dynamic I've seen with many clients, where they feel themselves to be so damaged, so filled with basic shame (or toxic shame) that they long to escape into the world of fantasy and become another person entirely.

It's a particular instance of the dynamic I discussed in my post about hopeless problems, perfect answers. In these cases, avoidance of authentic, realistic relationships is strong; instead, they wish for a perfect relationship with an idealized partner. The Internet has enabled many people to pursue and act out this fantasy -- in virtual form, of course, and for a limited time only.

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Unbearable Emotions and Feelings

Joseph Burgoin
Detours
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Unbearable Emotion
33

The term "eating disorders," like so many diagnostic labels, describes a spectrum of experiences and dynamics; while two people might both overeat and purge, the psychological reasons why they do so can be very different.  I'd like to discuss one of my clients who suffered from bulimia, along with the emotional factors involved, because her story sheds light on a much larger issue:  how we may cope with unbearable emotions and feelings by trying to get rid of them.

When I began working with this client (I'll call her Sharon), I had little experience with eating disorders. I understood that there might be a connection between childhood sexual abuse and bulimia; I was aware that low self-esteem and perfectionism likely played a role.  The first time we met, Sharon told me she'd been sexually molested by her step-father during her early teens; while she didn't strike me as having particularly low self-esteem, she did seem quite perfectionistic and self-critical. In our early sessions, however, what struck me most was how little she could tolerate her emotions and feelings.

A pattern began to emerge:  whenever an experience threatened to stir up emotion (it could be an intensely pleasurable feeling just as well as an anxious or painful one) the powerful urge to overeat would arise. Eventually she would give in, binge eat and force herself to vomit afterward; an enormous sense of relief always followed.  We came to understand that what she wanted was to feel empty, void of emotion.  Her bulemia, in a very literal sense, was a process of emotional evacuation.  By throwing up, Sharon felt she'd gotten rid of the unbearable emotions and feelings along with the food she'd eaten.

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Narcissistic Behavior and the Lost Art of Conversation

Joseph Burgoin
Shame/Narcissism
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Social Behavior
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Society and Culture
183

[NOTE:  Narcissism and narcissistic behavior are a primary focus of this website; all posts on that subject can be found under the heading Shame/Narcissism in the category menu to the right.  If you'd rather read a more clinical discussion of narcissistic behavior, you might prefer this post on narcissistic personality disorder, or this one on the relationship between narcissism and self-esteem.  If you want to learn more about the basic signs and symptoms of NPD and how to recognize them, click here.  More recently, I've also written about aspects of normal or everyday narcissism that apply to most of us.]

 

Most people are narcissistic.

I'm not using that word in the clinical diagnostic way, or in the everyday sense of vain or conceited.  What I mean is that most people are almost exclusively focused upon themselves, their personal interests and their own emotional needs for attention. A certain amount of preoccupation with oneself is normal and healthy; it becomes a problem when you're not truly interested in other people or ideas and only want to talk about yourself.

Here's a fairly common experience for me:  I'm at a party or social gathering, speaking to someone I've just met, or an acquaintance I haven't seen in a long while.  I'm asking questions, inquiring about the person's background or catching up since we last met. Fifteen, twenty minutes pass ... we're still talking about the other person.  I get the feeling that I could be anyone; I'm just a receptacle, a mirror or an audience.  I provide needed attention to the other person; he or she has no interest in getting to know the man who's listening.

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Grief and the Attitude of Gratitude

Joseph Burgoin
Destinations
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The Psychotherapy Relationship
10

With one of my very long-term patients, I've set a termination date; it's still a year off but has already brought up a lot of new feelings and issues regarding the end of her treatment, grief and gratitude foremost among them.  With Thanksgiving upon us, I thought now might be a good time to discuss those feelings.

I began seeing this woman (I'll call her Diane) many years ago when she was in her late teens. She sought treatment because of a recurrent auditory hallucination (buzzing in her ears), visual hallucinations of spiders and other small objects in her peripheral vision, extreme insomnia,  symptoms of depression that verged on immobility, drug abuse, and a compulsion to cut herself with razor blades.  In short, she was in enormous pain and constantly on the verge of psychological chaos.  In our early sessions together, she was very difficult to reach.  She often came in and did headstands on my couch.  She would put on accents and pretend to be different characters; she was very good at it, quite funny, and used her humor to keep both of us at a distance from her pain.

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