Hatred and Anger for Your Therapist

Joseph Burgoin
Destinations
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Love and Hatred
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The Psychotherapy Relationship
213

As I discussed in an earlier post on psychological defensiveness, we humans try to protect ourselves from emotional facts too painful to bear – that is, we “lie” to ourselves about them.  That’s our nature and everybody does it.  The job of a good therapist is to make you aware of those things you don’t know about yourself (and probably never wanted to know).

As I listen to my clients talking, they inevitably reveal things about themselves without knowing it, and I try to tell them what I’ve heard.  I rarely get through on the first try (you know, that “resistance” thing).  I keep listening.  If I hear more evidence, I’ll try again to show it to my clients.   If I was right and my view becomes more persuasive, they usually become uncomfortable.  Maybe they’ll get angry.  Sometimes they hate me for telling them what they don't want to hear.

With all of my patients, at one time or another, they’ve hated me … even when they agreed with what I’d just told them.  In my view, this is an expected part of the relationship, just the way it’s normal for children to hate their parents from time to time.   With severely disturbed clients in long-term treatment, one of the main jobs of a therapist is to allow room for their hatred.  With borderline personality disorder, hatred is often the central focus of early work.  My clients who’ve spent months or years hating me and come through on the other side always feel profoundly grateful that I could bear with them and not retaliate.

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A Psychodynamic Perspective on Idealization

Joseph Burgoin
Detours
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Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage
27

Many people are dominated by a powerful fantasy and they usually have no idea about it or the way it affects their behavior.  It often lies behind difficulties with procrastination, the inability to follow-through, apparent lack of motivation and many other problems.   It has to do with the ideal life, the one these individuals feel that they should be leading.

How would you like to live on an island where anything you needed automatically came to you without effort, even before you recognized that you needed it?  You wouldn’t have to strive for anything, or feel frustration about the struggle.  The climate would be perfectly mild, too, never varying more than a degree or two in either direction.  Virtually nothing painful could touch you because the island would be perfectly safe and hold no inherent threats, protected from the rest of the dangerous world by a buffering sea of tranquility.

Welcome to the womb.  While the intrauterine world isn’t as perfectly serene as I paint it, compared to the shock of childbirth and everything that comes afterward in life, it seems ideal.  The fantasy that one could have such a perfect existence during one’s lifetime, though unacknowledged, is widespread; the expectation that one should have such a life lies at the heart of many severe psychological problems.  I’m not suggesting that people consciously think this way, but the internal demand that life be perfect often controls them anyway.

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Hatred and Anger as Glue

Joseph Burgoin
Anxiety
·
Defense Mechanisms
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Love and Hatred
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Points of Departure
13

Responding to an earlier post, Rafael Mendez-Arauz wonders whether the inner "brat" is in reality the "pseudo-self".   My good friend Marla Estes has stated, on both her own site and in a comment to one of my posts, that she believes anger can be a response to forces from the outside that disturb our tranquility.  I think the three of us would agree that a response of anger or hatred isn't always primary; that is, it might be a defense to ward off something else. The best way I can illustrate this is to discuss the "drowning kitten."  This metaphor came to play a central part in the treatment of one of my long-term clients, a very disturbed young woman who was cutting herself when she first came in, and suffered from a kind of depression that bordered on psychosis.  Years later, after much improvement, she'd stabilized and had developed a positive relationship with a man.  From time to time, though, when she was under great stress, she'd erupt in anger at him; with a cruel sort of insight, she would savage him for his faults, spew invective at him, and then feel horribly guilty afterward.  We tried to understand this in various ways but didn't seem to be making headway. My own theoretical point of view at that time was limiting my understanding, and I'm very grateful to this client (and others like her) who stuck with me long enough for me to grow into understanding.  Real insight came when she described herself during one of these outbursts as "a drowning kitten", lashing out with her teeth and claws at those around her.   What we then were able to understand was that her rage helped ward off an unbearable experience of anxiety that verged on terror:  she felt she might literally fly into pieces (death), and the outburst of rage helped hold herself together in the face of this disintegration anxiety.  It acted as a kind of "glue", in the way Marla Estes has described the function of psychological defenses. Continue "Hatred and Anger as Glue"

The Rebelliousness of My Inner “Brat”

Joseph Burgoin
Depression and Bipolar Disorder
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Destinations
22

You've heard mention of that "inner child," the needy, vulnerable part of you that you neglect or criticize.  We therapists often talk about "the baby part of you" or "the child side of you" as a way to address dependency issues.  You know you've got a kid inside of you, right?

A lot of the time, mine's a brat.  He's very impatient, impulsive and demanding, and when he doesn't get his way, he gets angry.  He sometimes throws a fit in there, which can be very unpleasant, usually for me alone though sometimes he can be unpleasant to unfortunate bystanders.  [Think Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:  "I want an Oompah-Loompah, Daddy.  I want an Oompah-Loompah now!"]  Managing my inner brat can be a major challenge.

Humor aside, I believe this to be a serious issue for many people, and the hardest part in therapy is getting them to realize that the reason they're struggling is because an immature part of them -- a child who can't tolerate frustration very well and has unreasonable expectations -- is having a tantrum.  Sometimes the child gets his or her way and the adult side gives in.  This can lead to impulsive, ill-considered choices followed by shame and regret.

Continue "The Rebelliousness of My Inner “Brat”"

GUIDELINES FOR SUBMITTING COMMENTS

Joseph Burgoin
Points of Departure
12

Welcome! If you would like to join the conversation here on After Psychotherapy, respond to what I or other site visitors have said or share your own experience, feel free to submit comments on any of the posts. I read and approve everything unless it’s hostile, irrelevant to the post or overly rambling.

As site traffic has increased, however, I find it increasingly difficult to respond to all the comments. Many of the older posts still have active threads and as the number of site visits increases, I spend more and more time reading and responding to these comments. I find I can no longer answer direct appeals for advice in detail, but you may find that other site visitors will share the benefit of their own experience if you submit a comment. A strong community of thoughtful readers is here to support you.