Separation and Merger

Joseph Burgoin
Points of Departure
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Relationship Issues
11

In a prior post on neediness, I discussed some of the ways intolerance of needs shows up in relationships.  Another way to approach the issue is to think about the degree of  separation you can tolerate between you and your loved one.

When I was a young man and everyone my age was dating and forming new relationships, it used to bother me when my friends got involved with someone and suddenly became completely unavailable.  They'd spend every spare minute with their new flame.  You know the type of couple I'm talking about -- the ones who seem joined at the hip.  A certain amount of preoccupation with a new romance is natural, but when two people can't bear to be separated and abandon older friendships, they've merged identities.  On some level, they are no longer two distinct people.  Only when you're really separate do you feel need, longing, desire, jealousy, etc.

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Your Emotional Playlist

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
·
Destinations
8

If you've taken an exercise class at your gym, the instructor most likely played upbeat, high energy music, not only because the tempo and rhythm suited the exercise combinations but also because the music was energizing.  He or she selected music that would inspire you to exert yourself.  A yoga instructor might use New Age music instead, to put you in a peaceful, contemplative state of mind conducive to stretching.

I'm not the first to note that music is pure emotion.  It may give voice to emotions we're already experiencing, but it can also induce new feelings within us.  No doubt you have favorite songs that reliably stir up certain feelings whenever you hear them.   Many people turn to music for emotional congruence:  if they're feeling blue because a relationship ended, they may listen to torch songs; if they're happy, they may want to hear something joyful.  But we can also use music in the exact opposite way -- listen to something upbeat in order to cheer ourselves when we're down.

We can use books and movies in these same ways, especially when it comes to old favorites.  No matter how many times I've seen it, I watch It's a Wonderful Life almost every year at Christmas, and I still get weepy when the people of Bedford Falls file through George and Mary's front door with cash to save him from the bank examiner.  I like to feel moved and I watch the film in part because I look forward to that experience.  I've read The Portrait of a Lady eight or nine times and I'm always devastated by the end.  Part of my goal in rereading the novel is to revisit that pain.

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The (Sometimes) Awful Truth

Joseph Burgoin
Destinations
·
The Psychotherapy Relationship
10

Early in my own psychotherapy, my therapist once asked me, "Are you interested in how you actually feel, or do you want to feel one particular way?"  I don't remember what prompted that question, but I probably said something like, "I just want to be happy."  Over the years, I've heard many of my own clients say similar things and I've responded in more or less the same words.

Wanting to be "happy" is understandable but in truth, it's not possible.  I don't mean we can't find a basic contentment with our lot, but life is full of frustration, pain, disappointment, loss, grief and other "unhappy" feelings.  Even if we're in a strong relationship, satisfied with our career and in good health, we'll inevitably have our down days.  We may have difficult co-workers, friends can move away, a loved one will eventually die.

For those who seek professional help, the pain of their existence is usually much deeper and harder to bear than ordinary loss and disappointment.  Their suffering may be extreme; the symptoms of depression or anxiety can make their lives an ongoing agony.  "Take away my pain," they plead, whether or not they say those actual words.  Empathizing with their pain, health care professionals understandably prescribe them drugs to relieve them of their unbearable emotions and feelings.  Whether you can actually eliminate anxiety or depression with psychotropic medication is an open question, though recent studies suggest that the anti-depressants currently in use work no better than placebos.  I believe these medications at best blunt awareness and in the process often create a new set of problems:  loss of sex drive, weight gains, emotional deadness.

[For a detailed discussion of the actual effects of psychiatric medication, read my later post about the dubious theory that medical illness is caused a chemical imbalance in brain functioning; another on the false claim that psychiatric medications have let to actual improvements in mental health outcomes; and a third discussing the false representation by pharmaceutical companies and the medical profession that taking "anti-depressants" for mental illness is just like taking insulin for diabetes.}

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Mixed Emotions: Loving and Hating the Same Person

Joseph Burgoin
Love and Hatred
·
Rules of the Road
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Unbearable Emotion
24

Each of us has a  mixture of feelings toward those people we’re intimate with, and learning how to tolerate ambivalence is a part of growing up.  Small children sometimes scream “I hate you!” when frustrated by their parents though they may be loving and affectionate an hour later.  Such hostility can be so powerful that for the moment, it obliterates awareness of every other feeling.  Very small children believe that what they are feeling right now is the only reality and they can’t remember they had other, loving feelings not long before.   “I wish you were dead!” they may cry, and in the moment, they may actually believe that’s what they want.  The adults around them hopefully understand that this hostility is a transient state, not the absolute and unchanging truth, and that young children usually can’t help themselves.

As we mature, our experience ideally  teaches us the same thing -- that however angry and hostile we may feel right now, we won’t always feel that way, and it might be better for us to keep “I hate you!” to ourselves until the feelings passes.   In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve often been struck by how unable many of my patients are to do just that.  Saying “Fuck you!” in the heat of an argument seems to be very common.   One of my favorite quotes (from the old Laurence Olivier/Greer Garson film of Pride and Prejudice) is:  “Honesty is a highly over-rated virtue.”  I hold to this in general  in social relations, and in particular, I feel that hurling abuse and saying cruel words during an argument, even if you honestly feel that way at the moment, is destructive to long-term emotional trust .  Some truths are better left unspoken.

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Your Plan for a Person

Joseph Burgoin
Detours
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Shame/Narcissism
10

Most of us have goals and aspirations for the sort of person we'd like to become.  Our ideal self-image is a reflection of the values we hold; it shows us the person we'd be if we were always able to live up to our own standards.  When we succeed, it builds our self-esteem, but when we fail, it has just the opposite effect.

Some people, particularly those burdened with basic shame, often aspire to an ideal self intended to deny underlying damage; it's a kind of lie about what is underneath rather than a fulfillment of internal values.   From my earliest days in psychotherapy, my therapist would refer to it as my "plan for a person" -- the well-educated, well-traveled, sophisticated, multi-lingual artsy-type guy I aspired to be, to disprove how badly I felt about myself, my damage and my depression.  Ugly Joe, as I think of him.   I've seen many similar patients during my years of practice; on an unconscious level, they all felt a kind of hopelessness about the extent of their damage and believed the only solution was to fabricate a "new and improved" self from the ground up.  These people had all suffered early emotional trauma of an ongoing nature.

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