Basic Shame, Toxic Shame

Joseph Burgoin
Points of Departure
·
Shame/Narcissism
78

In this video, I discuss the concept of basic shame and how it shows up in psychotherapy.

<a href="http://www.linkedtube.com/YfL2anC8Bgc936b4f8b95d38cfe0e83b1e99a8b36cb.htm">LinkedTube</a>

[NOTE:  Shame and its toxic effects are a central theme of my website; all articles related to this topic can be found under the heading Shame/Narcissism in the category menu to the right.  This gateway post contains basic information about the roots of shame in early emotional trauma.  For a case illustration of shame and its effects upon relationships, you might want to read my post about toxic shame avoidance, using the film 'Avatar' as a metaphor.  To learn more about core defenses against shame -- narcissism, blaming and contempt -- click here.  I've also written about normal or everyday shame and the process of healing shame.]

When most people use the word shame, they usually mean to describe an experience that comes up because of outside influences -- our parents' disapproval or the opinion of society-at-large, for example.  If I do poorly on a test or my business fails, I might not want anyone else to know because I'm afraid they'll think less of me.  Shame also arises when we violate our own internal values, but we've usually absorbed them from our families and the world around us.

Over my years of psychotherapy practice, I've come to understand that there's another kind of shame, one in many ways distinct from the type described above.  I refer to it as basic shame and I'll be using that phrase repeatedly on this site.  Here's my basic shame definition.

When things go very wrong in childhood, for whatever reason -- an alcoholic parent, bitter divorce, mental illness in those around you, a mother with bipolar or manic-depressive issues or a father with highly narcissistic behavior -- it almost always damages you at your roots and deforms you psychically, just like a birth defect or physical handicap.  You may feel fundamentally afraid and insecure in the world.  You might find it impossible to love and trust other people.  You could be prone to violent emotional outbursts or struggle with an addiction yourself.  If the environment is toxic, we're almost always damaged by it in lasting ways.  With my clients, I often talk about mental scars or psychological handicaps.  They impose limitations and have to be taken into account just as you would a physical handicap.

Continue "Basic Shame, Toxic Shame"

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
·
Rules of the Road
8

Projection is another one of those concepts that has entered the culture and is widely understood, even by people who've never had any kind of psychotherapy.  "Oh, stop projecting," a friend might say.  What is usually meant is that you are criticizing another person for doing something when you, in fact, are the guilty party.  Our expression, The pot calling the kettle black, neatly captures this idea.

But projection is a much wider and more common phenomenon and everyone projects to some degree.  The basic process is simple:  when there is something too painful to bear or accept, we block it out or disavow it, we unconsciously disown awareness of that experience.   And because parts of our psyche don't simply disappear when we disown them, they show up someplace else outside of us, and usually inside of somebody else.

Here's a classic example.   Perhaps like me you've known a very calm, cerebral, almost detached sort of man.  He might be an engineer, a lawyer or some kind of scientist, someone with an analytical mind and his emotional life severely under control.  I've known a number of men like this and they often end up married to extremely emotional and needy women.  From my experience, it's a familiar dynamic:  the one partner gets rid of a large slice of his emotional life and projects it into the other partner, who carries it for him.  I'm not needy, you are.  I don't experience a lot of painful and scary feelings, you do. This happens outside of awareness, of course; that is, it's unconscious.

Continue "The Pot Calling the Kettle Black"

Why Most People Don’t Really Change

Joseph Burgoin
Rules of the Road
·
The Psychotherapy Relationship
45

Most people don't change; they just become more the way they already are.

I must have said these words hundreds of times in my life -- to clients, family and friends.  While there are exceptions, most people find change difficult for several reasons.  They don't know themselves very well, to begin with.  Few people have an accurate view of who they are and therefore don't recognize the aspects of themselves that could use improvement.  Most people want to believe they're well-balanced and even exceptional in many ways:  how many of your friends would describe themselves as creative, talented or intelligent?  Do you know anyone who would say to you, I'm just average?  We all want to think of ourselves as special and gifted.

Then there is the human propensity to explain one's difficulties, short-comings and failures by blaming somebody else.  Look around you at the people you know.  The co-worker who's careless and lazy but blames her poor evaluations on an exacting boss, or colleagues who have it out for her.  The cousin who gets under your skin because in every story he tells, he paints himself as a victim.  Have you ever known anyone who told you, "I got fired because I was doing a lousy job," or "A lot of bad things have happened in my life because I make so many impulsive bad choices?"  Few people are willing to accept that their own character traits and choices are the main determinants of the kind of life they lead.

Continue "Why Most People Don’t Really Change"

Psychological Defensiveness and Self-Deception

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
·
Rules of the Road
15

[NOTE:  OTHER ARTICLES ON THIS SITE THAT DEAL WITH THE ISSUE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSES CAN BE FOUND UNDER THE SUBJECT MENU HEADING "DEFENSE MECHANISMS" IN THE SIDEBAR AT THE RIGHT.]

Almost everyone understands the basic concept of psychological defense mechanisms.  At one time or another, we've all said (or been told), "Stop being so defensive!" We understand that the defensive person is protesting a little too strongly against something he or she doesn't want to admit is true. Take that dynamic inside the mind and you have an internal defense.

One of my favorite theorists, Roger Money-Kyrle, looked back over his long career as a therapist and the different ways he had conceived of defenses; in the end, he came to think of them as lies we tell ourselves to ward off truths too painful to accept or unbearable emotions and feelings.  What makes them so difficult for us to recognize ourselves is that we've spent a lifetime believing those lies and we want to go right on believing them because the alternative is to feel pain.  It's much easier to identify someone else's defenses than our own.

If you think about your friends and family, I'll bet you can identify someone with a defense that you and others around him can easily see but he can't.  For example, I have an acquaintance who regularly falls out with her other friends and becomes indignant about the insensitive ways they treat her.  The other person is always to blame for the disagreement.  She isn't my client, and I've never talked to her about this pattern, but I'm fairly confident she suffers from deep-seated feelings of shame and unworthiness.  She can't face those emotions and wards them off with an indignant sense that others have treated her badly.

Continue "Psychological Defensiveness and Self-Deception"

About Neediness

Joseph Burgoin
Points of Departure
·
Relationship Issues
·
Unbearable Emotion
25

I've never dealt with a client in psychotherapy who didn't have trouble tolerating neediness in one way or another. In graduate school, the readings on this subject were fairly dry and theoretical, with talk about "feeding relationships," or "good breasts" and "bad breasts" and how early frustration leads to particular defensive structures; but the bottom line is that the way we navigate that early experience of need often forms the basis for some enduring character traits throughout life.  We humans tend to generalize from one kind of need to another, so that those early encounters with deprivation might affect, for example, our love relationships in later life.

Here's an example from my practice, and one that will likely remind you of other people you've known.  One of my clients came from a fairly chaotic background; the details aren't as important as the fear of abandonment he grew up with.  As an adult, he found it impossible to sustain a relationship with a woman of any length.  He preferred Internet pornography and masturbation, forms of desire where he didn't have to depend upon another person to satisfy him.  His attitude toward women was largely remote and contemptuous.  Nobody was good enough; women only wanted to use him him to get what they wanted from him.

Continue "About Neediness"