Basic Shame, Toxic Shame
In this video, I discuss the concept of basic shame and how it shows up in psychotherapy.
[NOTE: Shame and its toxic effects are a central theme of my website; all articles related to this topic can be found under the heading Shame/Narcissism in the category menu to the right. This gateway post contains basic information about the roots of shame in early emotional trauma. For a case illustration of shame and its effects upon relationships, you might want to read my post about toxic shame avoidance, using the film 'Avatar' as a metaphor. To learn more about core defenses against shame -- narcissism, blaming and contempt -- click here. I've also written about normal or everyday shame and the process of healing shame.]
When most people use the word shame, they usually mean to describe an experience that comes up because of outside influences -- our parents' disapproval or the opinion of society-at-large, for example. If I do poorly on a test or my business fails, I might not want anyone else to know because I'm afraid they'll think less of me. Shame also arises when we violate our own internal values, but we've usually absorbed them from our families and the world around us.
Over my years of psychotherapy practice, I've come to understand that there's another kind of shame, one in many ways distinct from the type described above. I refer to it as basic shame and I'll be using that phrase repeatedly on this site. Here's my basic shame definition.
When things go very wrong in childhood, for whatever reason -- an alcoholic parent, bitter divorce, mental illness in those around you, a mother with bipolar or manic-depressive issues or a father with highly narcissistic behavior -- it almost always damages you at your roots and deforms you psychically, just like a birth defect or physical handicap. You may feel fundamentally afraid and insecure in the world. You might find it impossible to love and trust other people. You could be prone to violent emotional outbursts or struggle with an addiction yourself. If the environment is toxic, we're almost always damaged by it in lasting ways. With my clients, I often talk about mental scars or psychological handicaps. They impose limitations and have to be taken into account just as you would a physical handicap.