A Request for Input

Joseph Burgoin
The Psychotherapy Relationship
99

In response to my recent post about The Self-Serving Lie, I had a very interesting email exchange with a site visitor. An intelligent and thoughtful woman, a strong believer in the value of psychotherapy, she felt that by writing such a post, I was behaving in an unprofessional manner. She felt such personal disclosures devalued the profession and debased my own standards. I'm curious about what other readers might think.

As a response to that exchange, I wrote my most recent post on The Evacuation of Pain -- definitely more "professional" in the sense that I focused on certain psychological dynamics I've encountered in my practice with minimal reference to my "outside" experience. What I find interesting is how many more reader Comments I received in response to the more personal post. Also to the earlier one on Belonging.

Here is my opinion, and feel free to contradict me. When I write a post like the one about pain, I come much more from the place of professional authority; readers can acknowledge that they have experienced something similar and they can relate their own stories. But posts like the one about self-serving lies or the need to belong leave readers greater room to participate, to join me on a more equal footing, and even to offer me advice. Almost everyone has dealt with self-serving liars. Everyone needs to belong. I find that type of post and reader interaction much more satisfying. In fact, all those responses to my post on belonging actually gave me a feeling of community, even if it is a virtual one.

I suppose I'll continue with a variety of different post styles, but I'd welcome your feedback. Which type of post do you prefer? Do you think it "unprofessional" to write from a more personal perspective rather than as a therapist offering insight? Please chime in!

The Evacuation of Pain

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
·
Unbearable Emotion
33

steaming-mad4Nearly four years ago, not long after I first launched this site, I wrote about a client who coped with unbearable feelings via her eating disorder: when she could no longer endure a painful emotional state, she would binge and then purge in an attempt to evacuate it. I discussed this as a form of projection, an unconscious defense mechanism used when psychic pain cannot be tolerated and understood — that is, when it is simply “too much” and the person feels overwhelmed. This process begins during the earliest moments of life, when the infant “screams out” unendurable pain and fear. As I described in this early post, it is the mother’s job to absorb, understand, and respond appropriately to the meaning to the projection.

The evacuation of emotional pain takes many forms. One of my current clients often cries when he feels overwhelmed. When I first started working with Liam, I viewed his tears as sentimental, a form of self-deception where he would weep and feel sorry for himself rather than acknowledge his own anger. During arguments with his wife, for example, he would break down sobbing as their conflict intensified. She usually felt annoyed rather than sympathetic in the face of his tears, especially if he abruptly ended the argument and went to bed, leaving her to carry all the anger.
Continue "The Evacuation of Pain"

The Self-Serving Lie

Joseph Burgoin
Defense Mechanisms
80

truth-lies-buttons-show-true-or-liar-100211556 Many years ago when I was just starting out as a therapist, I briefly worked for a large group practice. At the end of my tenure, the managing partner in this group, a respected psychoanalyst, refused to pay what he owed me. When I pointed out to him that he was contractually bound to pay me – according to his own employment contract – he replied, “If we had known that contract wouldn’t work out to our advantage, we never would have signed it.” He actually seemed to believe that this was sufficient reason to stiff me. I finally had to threaten a lawsuit before he coughed up.

This psychoanalyst was not a bad man. He was married with children, he was good to his patients, served on the board of his institute and taught classes for free. But he had a moral blind spot. He told himself that it was okay for him to withhold payment because he had profited less than expected from our relationship. He didn’t see anything wrong with that, and even seemed to feel sorry for himself that he hadn’t benefitted as much from my employment as he had hoped.

Continue "The Self-Serving Lie"

Belonging

Joseph Burgoin
Social Behavior
·
Society and Culture
104

imageLast weekend, our friend and next-door neighbor Gayle invited us to go with her to hear some live music at a local venue here in Grand Lake. We arrived after the band had already started its set and we sat down at a table with some of Gayle's other friends -- two retired couples we'd never met. Elaine, one of the women, sat at my left. After the band had played a few more songs, she started up a conversation.

It began, as many such conversations do, with questions like "Do you live here in Grand Lake?" and "Where are you from?" I naturally reciprocated. I learned that Elaine and her husband spent most of their year in Louisiana, after relocating from their native Florida to be closer to their son and grandchildren. When I asked how she liked living in Louisiana, a pained expression came over her face. In both Florida and Grand Lake, Elaine told me, she had found a sense of community through her churches, but hadn't managed to do so in Louisiana. The congregations there were of the "holy roller" type and she felt out of sympathy with them.
Continue "Belonging"

Surfacing

Joseph Burgoin
The Psychotherapy Relationship
40

This morning, I completed the first draft of THE NARCISSIST YOU KNOW. The last two months have been a tunnel of intensity, which explains my absence from blogging. I'm proud and relieved to be finished, and I look forward to getting back to my blog ... but not until after I take a vacation this coming week. I need a rest!

I want to thank all of you who submitted comments or sent emails, asking about my absence from the blog and wondering if I'm okay. It felt really good to feel your concern and to know there are people who actually care whether or not I write.Thank you so much! I also want to apologize for getting so far behind in the approval of comments. I promise to catch up very soon!

I don't have to deliver my manuscript until September 1 but I wanted to leave myself a good two months for revisions and careful thought, just so I can make sure it's as good as it can be. I'm very pleased with how this first draft turned out. Now I can revise at leisure, with plenty of time for blogging, not to mention hiking here in Rocky Mountain National Park.

I think it's going to be a fine summer.